Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The grossest phone call I'll hopefully ever make

You know that article that went around about dating moms? How we moms go through the "dating bases" to find the perfect play date mom friends? It's a brilliant article and couldn't be more true.

Well, here it is the morning after all my months of stay at home mom dating and I'm making that phone call. Ya know the one. Instead of having to call and tell them you have herpa-syphal-aides, you have to tell them your kid has lice. My kid had LICE. 

Laying eggs. 
Freakin' grossing me out.

There it was Saturday morning, and this house full of sickness, was sleeping in. Kevin had strep. Stella had strep. Henry had bronchitis. Ruby was a ticking time bomb in contracting all of it. Stella was feeling better, her bubble gum medicine had taken care of most of it. Kevin was manning up and just dealing with it. Henry was sleeping it off. I suggested a little pool day with all of us. Mostly with Kevin, because me and three small kids at the pool makes me anxious. I started to gather everything up, but first I grabbed Stella to braid her hair, ya know so I don't have to watch it get in her eyes while she is making cannon balls. She brushed it out first and I grabbed the comb to start braiding. 
Then I saw the first one, a flicker. In and out of her blonde hair. I told her to stay still while I searched for whatever it was in her hair. I couldn't find it, but told Kevin that I needed him to look at something. It couldn't be lice right? How could she have lice? My head started itching with the thought of it.
I kept combing through her hair and found another one. I grabbed the tweezers and pulled it out. There it was. A bug. Crawling in her hair. I rushed to google. I compared my sesame shaped, brown, bug with the one google was showing me. Yep. Lice. 
I started digging more and more into her mop of hair and they were everywhere. Bugs. In her hair. Then I started noticing there were little brown flecks all over. Eggs. There were eggs in her hair. Bugs and Eggs. 
{Insert heebee-geebees. gggggrrrrooooossssss} 

Luckily, thankfully, Stella handled it all perfectly. I pulled a Lice out with tweezers and showed it to her. Explained she had bugs in her hair and we had to get them out, they wouldn't hurt, but that it would take a long time. She smiled and said OK. (What child just says, OK and calmly sits there with a head full of BUGS??!!!!) 
I searched google, called our hair stylists and cancelled all our plans at the pool. The moment I got in the car, heading to purchase large quantities of Lice killer, I lost it. I pulled out of the driveway and just screamed. So gross. SO GROSS. SOOOO GGGRRROOOOSSSSSS.
After two stores, 3 pharmacy's and bags full of rubber gloves, garbage bags, NIX shampoo, apple cider vinegar, a coloring book and a large Diet Coke, I think I was ready. Stella was nearly un-phased by all of it. Which was good, cause well I was freaking out enough for both of us. But just in the car, not in front of her, that would be irresponsible.
The next 5 hours were spent washing her hair, applying the shampoo, rinsing, watching bugs float down the drain and then combing her hair strand by strand with a steel lice comb. With a head lamp, tweezers and a bowl of hot soapy water, I combed. We sat in the bathroom, she watched Netflix on my iPad and I picked, and picked and picked some more. Kevin bagged everything that her sweet little head could have ever touched and its still sitting in the garage, cooking all the bugs away. We washed everything we could think of in hot water and sprayed Lice Killer on nearly everything. Mattresses, headboards, helmets, hats, couch cushions, chairs, blankets, car seats... everything.  Just in case. 
When I finally felt like all the bugs and nits had been eradicated from her hair, I climbed in the shower. I have never scrubbed myself harder in hotter water. I washed my hair 4 times. and I am still certain they are crawling all over me. 
I had to call all my friends and tell them the bad news, tell them to search their children and watch out. Such a great phone call to make, it really helps with making new friends. 
"Hi, I know we played at the park and it was really fun, but my kid has lice, so you wanna go again? no? Yeah, I don't blame you."
Yep, we are that family. The ones that got lice. Freaking LICE. But just Stella did. I keep checking everyone to see if I can find anything, and I haven't yet. Luckily. 
I guess thats what I get for going on vacation for a month, I come home to a kid with a head full of Lice. Maybe it was still worth it, those croissants were pretty amazing. But my inability to sleep because I'm certain there are bugs crawling all over my skin is sort of a bummer. {heee-beeee-geeee-beeeeesssssssss}

--Sorry if your kid has lice, I promise we have killed it all off at our house now. Can I bring you a Diet Coke as a form of my sincerest apologies? ---

love love


  1. bahahahaha I'm so glad that's not me I'm so glad that's not me. And I'm so worried that saying that will bring me bad karma. MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!

  2. LOL!! Been there, feel your pain, and don't feel bad I freaked out to- only not in the car like a responsible "put together" parent, it was a jumping up and down "what the heck am I gonna do" kinda way. Lol- oh the JOYS of motherhood :)

  3. Eeeww! Well at least feel comforted that one of those playmates probably gave the lice to Stella in the first place :) :)

  4. Um, now I feel them on me...eek!

  5. I love the head lamp searching technique. Very...resourceful.

  6. Hi! I'm Heather and I just have a quick question about your blog! If you could email me at that would be great :-)