The Sewing Machine

I know how to bake, I know how to cook, I know how to clean a house and throw a party. I can play the role as a corporate wife to an event that requires heels and lipstick with an hours notice. I can iron and use a chop saw and change irrigation lines if needed. But I cannot sew a button on to save my life. When I have had to go to the fabric store for a momentary craft my heart starts to race and I genuinely feel as if I can't breath at the sight of all those spools of thread and types of fabric. It's all to overwhelming and usually smells bad. Seriously.  I told Kevin when I we got married to not expect a single button to be sewn on, luckily his mother knows how. 
This Christmas my mother, who is a great seamstress and quilter, decided that Micall, Heather and I needed our own sewing machines. Terrifiying right?! But I was going to be succesfull. I was going to do it. So let's not talk about my fear for fabric stores still. I ordered all my supplies online and had them overnighted. One step at a time right?

My starter pillow was totally weak, but I didn't get anxious, I didn't freak out and my Mom didn't rip it apart! I'm considering it a win! And Ruby has been delighted to carry it around with her. Now I am trying to figure out my next projects, so heres to Pinterest and maybe gathering courage to go to the actual fabric store. Wish me luck?!?

love love

A week at the Barn

We took an adult only vacation to the Barn in Bondurant this past week. All the Tolberts, minus the children and a packed agenda of things to do. It was fantastic! We all laughed, ate great food, gave each other a hard time, laughed some more and enjoyed Bondurant and Jackson WY to the fullest! The only low in the vacation would be a couple of days of poor weather. Kevin claims it was the funniest vacation he has ever been on including the fact that he was on a family vacation with the Tolberts, as a newlywed. He is a keeper. It was a well documented vacation, so excuse all the photos...

Running the river...

We picked the warmest day around to run the river and it was a blast. The best part? Listening to my mother giggle with excitement the entire time, and probably Hunter being tackled into the thirty eight degree water.

Teeter Totter

I'm not exactly sure why Hunter and Micall built a teeter totter, but it was rad. It was all freestanding and we were getting extreme. Hunter even did a hand stand on it. And Yes Kevin is a giant, with gorilla arms...

Bicycles...

Kevin was a runner before this trip, was being the correct word. He was grinning like a little girl on Christmas the entire bike ride. We first rode through the Bondurant valley as an easy 15 mile warm up. It was a great little spin, I even learned how to change my flat tire. I supervised Hunter and Brian very nicely. A couple of days later we rode in the snow and pouring rain from Kelley through Moose Junction up to Jenny Lake. It was awesome! We rode through a herd of Buffalo and there new calves. The only bummer of the whole ride was the weather, and maybe that I was a little out of shape. Regardless, Kev was in heaven and now we are on the look out for a giant sized road bike so he can enjoy the Heber Valley from a bike seat.

Golf...

We golfed. In the snow. It was very pretty. But very cold. Very very cold.  Considering the conditions it was a pretty good round of golf. I'm hoping that the round kicked off a summer of golf for Kevin and I. I had forgotten how much I really enjoy playing. The Saturday before Trace, Travis, Micall and Kevin all played a round in the sunshine, it was a much more photographed event, meaning there was a photo.

Yellowstone...

Because nobody wants to ride in two cars we drove the suburban eveywhere, it traditionally seats 7 but we took it to the extreme and fit 9 adults. But we decided that a day in yellowstone might make someone sick riding like that, so we rented a 16 passenger van. It was hillairous. There was so much snow through out the park that we missed seeing alot of the wildlife but we did see a lot of bubbling mud pots and Old Faithful erupt twice. 

Bar J Wranglers...

What tourists go to Jackson and don't see the Bar J Wranglers? Not us... We joined in the fun and went to the chuck wagon dinner. Having seen the Bar J at Cowboy poetry several times I can safely say that in Jackson is much cooler. My Grandparents were able to join us and it was a blast. 

It was so fun to be a part of the family, to watch Kevin be immersed into our craziness fully. Even better to see him come out of the chaos happy to have been a part. We ate amazing food, watched movies, slept in and laughed and laughed. There was a lot of wandering the square in Jackson, scouting out galleries for Deb's art, dining at Billy Burgers for my annual Hamburger, Indian Running, Horse Shoes, Ping Pong, shooting guns and watching the wildlife. Even though it was packed with  things to do, it also was very relaxing and unbelievably enjoyable. Thanks Deb and Trace for a family that is really great to vacation with. 

love love

Front Porch Wedding

May 28, 2011

I married Mr. Kevin Richard Brimhall on the front porch of the Tolbert's residence in front of our close families and friends on Saturday. The girls wore flowers in their hair and seersucker dresses. I had a pair of very high heels and Mr. Brimhall sported a lovely grey suit. The weather held out and it didn't rain until the party had started. But we were already having a lovely time so the weather couldn't compete. We moved it inside and continued to celebrate happiness. Our families worked hard to help us prepare all the festivities and we couldn't have done it without them. The affair wasn't perfect, it rained and rained, and Ruby's hair was dreadful. But all the people we love were there to help us celebrate our future and our happiness. We couldn't have asked for a better way to do it.

As I thought and planned and knew a wedding was to be had it made me ill. It made me physically sick to think about planning a wedding or even having one. But I couldn't elope, mostly because Micall said she would think I was pregnant. I AM NOT.  We tossed dates around, ranging from August to June and none of them eased my unsettled stomach. I wondered if it was because I was getting married, or if it was Kevin but quickly knew it was the idea that there would be a wedding. A wedding where I was supposed to walk down the aisle, and everybody would watch and it would be awkward. I had a really, really big wedding once before and right now I just wanted to be married, married to Kevin without all the charades. The moment I half haphazardly through out the date of May 28, as in 17 days away, everything felt right. I sat on the phone with my mother and talked through a simple backyard barbecue and suddenly celebrating a wedding day seemed perfect. So we scrambled around and made a list. Kevin helped me make decisions and nothing was obsessed over. There was no fretting over clothing, colors or flowers. I didn't dwell on things after I made the decision. Deb saw my vision and I saw hers and Micall executed. Yes. I had no idea Micall knew how to throw a party but she does fantastically! She should throw more, because she orchestrated the whole ordeal flawlessly.

A ring was placed on my finger 10 days prior to the wedding day with the help of Stella asking if we could keep Kevin forever. I gladly accepted. It distracts me with all the sparkle, and I adore it. We were headed to Moab for the weekend to support the World Class Athlete, Hunter when Kevin hid the ring box in the glove box. As we were all loaded up to go, a very well rehearsed Stella asked if we could finally keep Kevin forever? Ruby was screaming in the background and Stella jumped out of her car seat and begged me to open the little box inside the box because there was a sparkly ring inside! Her little face was pure excitement, and who can blame her? With Stella climbing in my lap, Ruby SCREAMING to be noticed and Kevin giggling with excitement the moment was chaotic and overwhelming. But that is our life and it is all sort of perfect. I gladly told Stella that we could keep him forever, and her response couldn't have been better. She looked out the window and said "Good, cause sharing is NOT caring and I don't want to do it anymore."
For the days leading up to the wedding Stella June was thrilled. She told everyone around her and kept asking when the strong guys were going to move the Temple to Grandma Deb's house so we could get married there forever. I just smiled at my darling three year old and chose not to explain the intricacies of divorce and temple marriages. She will understand a year from now when Kevin and I walk out of the temple together. Ruby is glued to Kevin at all times, she just wants to be near him. It was like a switch flipped with both the girls when we officially decided we were getting married they understood. They knew what that meant and their love for Kevin sky rocketed. It always amazes me at how observant kids are and how much they pick up on what is going on around them.


Kevin has moved into our house full of girls and he fits just perfectly. There are a lot more loads of laundry to do and more milk to buy but having a boy around is very nice. Everyone is adjusting better than expected and we are just delighted.
More photos are to follow as soon as I get them back and again many thanks to all of those who helped make the day fantastic, it could not have happened with out you!
love love

His and Hers

Our house full of girls will be welcoming a tall friend to the family, and we could not be more thrilled or excited! We will officially become husband and wife very soon and I will fill in all of the details from the here and now. But really, we are so excited. So happy, and truly just giggling with excitement and joy. The girls are beyond delighted that they get to keep Kevin forever and no longer have to share. Stella has placed an airplane on my dresser so that a boy can stay there; because duh, airplanes are for boys. The Tolbert's have welcomed Kevin to the family with more sarcasm and scrutiny than ever before and have gained more and more respect for him because he didn't run far away from the chaos. He really actually enjoys them.

There are no words I could type that would give justice to how happy I feel; to how calm and peaceful he makes my life. There is reason and rhyme to the things that happen, and without a shadow of doubt he is my reason. He is my balance. He is the other half to my quirks and flaws, making them whole. He is the why to my because.
He is the granola to my chocolate cake.

I want to take care of him when he is happy, sad or even broken. I want to bake for him and surprise him with things because I know he appreciates that. I want to be a part of his family, but make our own family with the girls. I want to hear about his day and talk about nothing with him for hours. I genuinely want to be a better person, because he deserves that.
I love him and am so very grateful that my life led me, and the girls, to him. I wouldn't want it any other way.

love love
mrs. tall friend-to-be

The Other Side

I can remember every detail of this day one year ago. From the phone calls I had to make to the amount of tears I cried. I can remember my heart physically hurting, finding it hard to breathe. I remember having to call my Dad, who was in Dallas in and out of meetings, to ask him if I could come home, and if I could bring my girls. I remember baking cake balls and Micall arriving at my doorstep instead of attending her Biology class. I remember walking into my parents house late that night and my Mom taking Stella to her new room. Showing her her new bed and where she could keep her toys. Then my mom took me into the guest bedroom where the closets had been cleaned out waiting for me to fill them. That was the moment it hit me, the moment that I realized we were coming home, and not for a day, a week or even a month. We were not going back to Sugarhouse. I remember the conversations that followed with Trevor and I, and the continual heartache. One year ago I was facing a hard road, a painful road, but the right road. I was welcomed home by my family and by a town that was holding me up and cheering me on.
Those months seemed to drag on and blend together as a painful roller coast where I couldn't catch my breath, but at the same time, everything was right. Everything worked out. I made the right decision to leave and every other question mark just fell into place. Not to say it wasn't the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was the right thing. Now here I stand, we moved out of my parents house 8 weeks later into a fabulous place in town. We have a house full of girlie things and there is always dance music playing. I have an amazing job that I truly enjoy. There isn't a day that I wake up and dread going to work, I dread having to leave the girls, but I love where I am going. I have a tall friend who is everything I need, want and deserve. I'm not perfect. My life is far from. It isn't ideal or traditional. But it is ours and as I stand on the other side of the mess I stand a little taller. I stand a lot closer to the ones I love and I stand with a bigger smile on my face. Yep, one year ago today I packed up a 6 week old baby and a 2 year old and I left. I left and I never looked back because that is what I needed to do. I cried for most of those first few weeks, lost a lot of sleep and a few pounds. And looking back now I can attest that time does heal a broken heart, a mom who will let you cry on her lap for the thousandth time heals a broken heart. Baby girls who smile at you ease the pain and a dad that will assure you that you will be OK reminds you that you deserve the world.
I won't be writing anymore posts about how I got divorced; how my life fell apart and how I put it back together. Because we are on the other side looking forward. We made it through the year of firsts; the first weekend without the girls, the first birthday parties, and the first Christmas as a divorced parent. This chapter of my life is closed, and I'm glad I was able to write it. I married a man and had two of the most amazing children, made a few wrong decisions, and then made some right ones and here I am through it all looking back with a big ole smile on my face.
Here is to life and getting to the other side!

love love

Friday Night

I have been on a lot of dates in my years. Lots of good ones, a handful of terrible ones that I will terrify my daughters with when they come home from their first worst date. But this past Friday night, I went on a date. With a really cute boy. I did my hair and wore high heels. We found a perfect parking spot and ate terrific sushi that we didn't have to wait in line for. While dining on sushi I sipped Diet Coke and we people watched on the patio. We talked about our days and he opened my car door. We made our way to Thriller. We found parking and he held my hand while we walked. Then he helped me to our seats which might have been the best ones in the house.

After examining the scene and pointing out a few great people watching moments the show started in perfect time. Michael Jackson is still stuck in my head. It was fabulous as always and I couldn't have had a better time. Sometimes I felt like he was enjoying watching me enjoy the show. And I really was, so I guess he can watch whatever he feels like.
We listened to the King of Pop all the way home.
I have been on a lot of good dates, a handful of terrible ones, and I can't think of a more perfect date than Friday night. It was easy and worked; the conversation flowed and I didn't fall in heels.
Love Love

A Change of Season

It finally feels like fall now. The air is cold and crisp. The sky is grey with storm clouds brewing. The leaves are almost done changing and the tips on the mountains are dusted in white. I couldn't be more thrilled with this change in season. As the cold air moved in, it was almost like I started to feel like a new person. Like the haze of the summer heat and divorce battle was actually gone. It ended the end of August, but the pain of it all seems to be gone. Parties are being planned and dinners are actually being made. We have rythym of our days, I am good at killing spiders and mowing the lawn. The girls seem to have adjusted to this new life, and well I'm happy. Not the kind of happy after you just found the greatest new sweater at JCrew happy. But the kind of happy where you fall asleep peaceful and wake up with the energy to do everything. Where you shower and get dressed just because. I shop at the social grocery store because I'm not afraid to run into everybody anymore. I don't dread sitting on the back row bench at church without my girls and actually relax on the weekends that they are with their dad. He and I don't fight anymore, we are civil. I don't get anxious when we make the exchange. When the house goes dark and the girls fall asleep and I'm all alone, its not sad. I curl up with a book and shut off my computers and just enjoy the peace of it all. I didn't ever think I would revel in the peace and quiet of the dark, but I do. Sometimes I even go to bed early, not usually, but sometimes.
Aside from my girls, every aspect of my life is different. My home, my wardrobe, the bed I sleep in. The ward, my church calling, my address and all the furniture. Every single change has been for a better scenario. I couldn't be happier. Life with just me and the girls isn't what I ever thought postcards were made of, I never as a little girl imagined this is where I would be. But now that I am here, it is exactly what postcards are made of. We make cookies, and go on walks. We have dance parties after bath time and snuggle in for stories. We make breakfast and talk about the day ahead of us. The peace and happiness is exactly what I imagined life would be like.

My cup runith over.

Love Love

Irreconcilable Differences

I have drafted this post a thousand different times in the past 8 weeks. Not exactly sure what to say, or how to say it. So unlike me right? I filed for divorce stating irreconcilable differences the beginning of April.

It was surreal.

It is so easy to disassemble your life. Cancel your accounts and rearrange your name on paper. In a matter of days you can only have legal ties to one another, it's eery.

The decision was not made without constant prayers and guidance from a bishop, a counselor, and my heart. The girls and I needed something more, something better. So with the support of my family and friends we made the decision to find our something more. The last two months have the been the most emotionally draining, physically exhausting months of my life. But with Stella and Ruby here to make my world stop spinning, we have come out ahead. We moved back home to Heber, and it feels so great to put my feet in the ground. This is home and always has been. I feel like I have this entire valley holding me up and cheering me on. To wake up to the mountains and fresh morning dew; to watch Stella run around outside and get her hands dirty. I feel like this place will heal my broken heart.

Life is about making correct choices and respecting one another with love and kindness. Sometimes you can start out on the right track with the best of intentions to stay on course. But you have to continue to make those right choices in order to stay there, old habits have to stay in the past. Unfortunately there are consequences to making poor choices and everyone is affected by them, and it hurts. It hurts like hell. So now we are healing, and starting fresh. The fighting is over, the papers are almost signed and we will be able to fully move on. I am happy now. When I made the decision to leave and stay gone, it was like someone removed the weight off of my shoulders and got rid of that knot in my chest; both of which I didn't know were there. The sparkle is coming back and I can sleep like a star fish in the middle of the bed.

I am so grateful for everyone who has been so amazing in supporting me and the girls. The overwhelming love and support is beyond words. It brings tears to my eyes, I haven't felt this loved and appreciated in a very long time. If it weren't for all of the support and prayers I could have never found the strength to make the hard decisions, the right decisions.We have a long road ahead of us, and at times it will feel ridiculously overwhelming and scary. As I heal and move forward the sad moments will ease and the anger will disappear. I have faith and trust in the right things and know that if I continue to do what is right for me and the girls we will be just fine, in fact we will be better than we have ever been.

Love Love

Business Class

I had to go to San Diego this past week for a software training as part of my newly enhanced job. A whole week in San Diego all by myself.

I was lonely.
It was my first time without Ruby and my heart literally ached for her on the first day. I wasn't in much of a state of mind to be social, or really be alone. It was a strange feeling. Very strange. So I worked, and worked some more. Reviewed more notes then when my eyes got tired I got take out and read a book in my hotel room until it was 9pm MST, or 8pm PST and fell asleep. I felt sorry for my Dad. All those years of quiet hotel rooms and delayed flights, poor guy.
After the first day of intensely overwhelming training and a fish taco I was much better. Stella and Uncle TJ were inseparable and Deb was busy holding Ruby nonstop. I came home the wee hours of the morning yesterday and found a picture from Stella and Ruby awake and ready to snuggle me. Nothing like home sweet home. Although uninterrupted sleep for 5 nights was worth...priceless.

A turning point

8 years ago, Packer the puppy escaped in the house and found my beloved shoes on the floor, IN MY CLOSET. I am still very upset about it to this day. He ate my favorite shoes as a puppy and I have never let him forget about it. I think my distaste for dogs really stems from that moment. It goes to show you how much I really loved those terrific brown, leather, strappy sandals that worked with pants, skirts and shorts. 

In an attempt to start fresh with a new outlook on life I snuggled with Boley. I figured since this puppy loves my daughter so much that I could give him some attention, without gloves on even. Ya know what, he didn't even stink that much and my hands weren't that dirty after all. I think we might snuggle again sometime.

Love Love

Month two hundred and eighty eight

Today is my birthday. I am two hundred and eighty eight months old, or rather I am 24 years old. It feels weird. Probably because I have been lying about my age since I got married, and I always chose to be 24. I guess it feels like I should be older than 24. I feel older than 24. Some days I feel like I'm dealing with a mid life crisis and that it can't be really happening when I am only 24.
This year is going to be a really good year for me. I can feel it. Basically I have to keep telling myself that otherwise what good will it do me to wallow in my current pity party. I'm going to ride my bicycle around the valley this year with my girls in tow. I'm going to watch my baby learn to crawl and eat bananas. I will continue to be completely amused and exhausted by Stella. I'm going to stop yelling profanities at inanimate objects such as a computer that's not working. I'm going to excel at my golf game and perfect my tan. I'm going to take care of myself, maybe cut all my hair off or dye it dark.
I dunno exactly how this year will go, but its a fresh start for me. I am only as good of a mother as I can be a person, so this year I am going to become a really good person. Wake up early and not stay up so late. I think I will cut back on my diet coke. I will also become realistic, so I'm probably going to drink more diet coke. I'm going to continue to work as hard as I possibly can to maintain normalcy for the girls and to secure my job. I'm going to laugh and smile, because that's what life is really about. I'm going to find real true and honest happiness in this whirlwind.
Usually when I write about these letters for the girls it's about the last month of their life, but for me, year 24 will be the best year so far.
Cheers to the next 12 months!