Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The battle

It is oh so apparent that I have found myself in a battle with this blog. I sort of have just overlooked it and felt overwhelmed by it all. At first I thought it was because I was so busy in January. Remember that network computer crash that was similar to dropping an old computer off of the top of the Chrysler Building and shattering into a millions pieces. Yeah I had to pick up all those pieces.  But then I got most of those pieces pulled together, and then the month of February happened. Ruby had a birthday (I KNOW I AM A TERRIBLE MOTHER BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BLOGGED ABOUT A PARTY, A BIRTHDAY LETTER, A YEAR 2 VIDEO THAT HAPPENED A MONTH AGO.) Kevin had a birthday, my mom turned 50, we moved across town and June had a Valentine. You see all the things that I missed? Overwhelming.
Every time I log onto my blog I look at it and get sad. I get sad that I am at work running around with my head chopped off trying to get things done before 5pm so I can go home and snuggle my babies. I get sad that I don't see their days as they happen. I get sad that I don't take pictures of their lives as they grow through those tiny hours. I used to justify my presence at work with the girls, they were too little to notice where I was. But now they notice. Now they know that I am gone and get sad in the morning when I leave. They ask why I can't stay home and play with them. I don't even know what time school gets out. Seriously. I stayed home a few weeks ago and Stella was so excited that I was going to take her to school. So excited that I was braiding her hair and getting her dressed. Then she realized that I was going to pick her up, and that I would be there at home with her all day without Dad. It was like Christmas morning all over again.
Then you guys.
I thought school got out at 12:30pm.
School gets out at 12:00.
I forgot her. There she was just waiting for me at school sitting on the front steps with her coat and back pack. She climbed in the car and smiled and said "You should have just asked Amilia what time school gets out. She knows."
{please insert alligator tears, coming from me, not Stella}
So I guess I am battling with this blog because I am battling with missing the daily life that is worth blogging about.
But I'm going to be better. I am going to blog about the things that we do together even if they are for an hour at a time, and I'm going to have to settle with the fact that I take pictures with my iPhone and not so much with my camera. But I will better about that too. I promise.
Shall we call it a Leap Day resolution?

love love


  1. You know, I know it wasn't your intention to make me feel this way, but the last few days have been SOOO hard being a 'SAH mom' who gets to have all those special hours and minutes with my children. I've been in tears because of how sometimes I just want to lock myself in a room and cry. Or put them in child care and find a 'real' job that might feel more fulfilling. I know, I should feel terrible about having these feelings, but it is what it is. I'm really grateful for this post, though. It reminds me of the blessing it is to be able to stay home, and it also makes me realize that life just isn't perfect every moment of every day and that even if we try, we aren't always going to do things perfectly right. And that it's okay to mess up sometimes. Also, it reminds me of how forgiving those little ones are. Stella still loves you to pieces, I'm sure. It seems like you're doing a pretty awesome job with those girls.

  2. Those girls are SO lucky to have you! You're amazing and energetic :)