Thursday, October 25, 2012

i have kevin

Patience. I have no patience for this baby who thinks its ok to play with my mind. Am I in labor? When is he coming? I'm pretty sure I'm in labor, then I'm pretty sure I'm not. Pregnancy is not my thing. (Not that it is for any woman, and if it's your thing then you should have dozens of babies. dozens.) Not only is it hard on my body, (I'm so tired of throwing up, or feeling the need to throw up I could scream,) but emotionally I feel parts of my sanity breaking off and I watch them float away. It scares me. I constantly have to remind myself that I have Kevin. I have Kevin. I have Kevin. And that makes it all so much better.
For the last 9 months I've felt very stable. More stable than I could have imagined. No melt downs, no freak outs, no need to rock back and forth and no hiding in the closet until I could face the world. We endured the IV's, the throwing up, the lacking of breathing, the growing belly, and the anxiety of it all as gracefully as I could have imagined.
Until these last few weeks. Now I see myself retreating into my bedroom, avoiding the social aspect of life. My voicemails' full and text messages left unanswered, weeks worth of half written blog posts. But I have Kevin. I have Kevin who pulls me out of the funk with Chinese food. He holds me in the kitchen when he sees me loosing it over the spilled milk. I have Ruby who asks a million questions about everything, who bats her eyelashes and cracks herself up. Stella holds my hand and her compassionate heart holds mine. I'm constantly reminded that it isn't like the last time I gave birth, and it won't ever be like that. I have Kevin.
So today I am snapping out of my funk, my selfish, pregnant funk. I am going to make bread. Make a craft with my two beautiful daughters and blog about nothing. I am going to relish in the last moments of this house full of girls and we are going to play with glitter. I will probably still ignore my phone, but it's snowing outside and watching the landscape turn magical is much better than telling everyone that I'm still pregnant.
I'm still pregnant. But only have a week left. And in the grand scheme of things we have survived.
We will survive. He will be here soon and I won't be pregnant anymore. What a glorious thing.

love love

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