Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Taking a deep breath

Sometimes when things get hard,  I'm juggling a million things, when the future is unknown and scary, I retreat. I tend to cling to things I can control for self preservation; for fear I will have to deal with the crisis on my own.  My anxiety gets my hands to clench up and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose it. Basically the unknown scares me. I'm working on relaxing and letting my mind settle the big things and let go of the silly things, not forcing it all so much. But it's hard to have faith in it working out. So I distract myself with some ridiculous, manic, hobby. Insert knitting.
I have spent the last 6 weeks anxiously awaiting for today.  With a leap of faith, or a shove of necessity, Kevin transitioned from his job of the last ten years to a new one. We spent the last few weeks adapting to the life in limbo, meaning he wasn't at a distant office, but rather in my office, here at home. It's been a roller coaster. In ways that are kinda fun, extremely terrifying, and then enjoyable because you can see the end. Exhausting none the less. My routine had been shifted, and we were both trying to hold onto what we could control, to still be contributors.  There we were fighting over who was gonna get to do the laundry. He won. He will always win that one.
But as I look back on the last month, with a little clarity in the crisis, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful to know that when changes are happening, and when life gets hard, I have Kevin. I don't need to toughen up and brace myself for the fall. He won't let me fall, and even when I stumble he's there to catch me. He is the hardest working, most genuine, kind, and honest person I know. I'm grateful to call him mine. I'm grateful he is the father to my children. They're so lucky.

I just really love him. Like so much.

And maybe mostly I'm so grateful to be the only stay at home mom in this household again. (although, the last weeks of grocery shopping on my own and early morning ski days were pretty fantastic.)

love love

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