Thursday, December 17, 2009

Month Twenty Five

Dear Stella,
I had been thinking a lot about you this last past month, mostly because you have been driving me crazy. When I tell you that you drive me crazy, your reply is that I am driving you crazy and to stop bugging you. AHHHHH. It has taken me 4 days to harness my chi towards writing this little letter. Maybe the 8 month pregnant side of me is losing patience with you, and its really not all your fault for being so exhausting. Or maybe you are extremely exhausting.
Everything has become a debate. Shocking. You spill goldfish on the ground and when I tell you have to pick them up before we can go outside. You just look at me, step on one and walk away. AHHHHHHHH. You are a two year old, and I'm losing my mind. I wake up and my daily prayer consists of begging for patience. You are wearing me out. We don't have tantrums, we have arguements until I realize that I don't have to argue with you. I am the mom. I never understood that concept until recently. I am the mom and you are the child. There is nap time and you don't get to negotiate your way out of it. 4am is not a time to wake up and snuggle with Daddy. Previously we could give you options, "you can either watch Elmo, or go upstairs and take a nap. But I'm working and you can't sit on my lap." It didn't matter which one you chose, you got off my lap. Now you want to add a third option to the list of things. AHHHHH. I think I have found a way to work around your insane amount of debating and energy, I can't let you get bored. If you have to find something else to do, you want it to be with me. I still work 40 hours at home and I don't have all day long to be pulled around the house by your freakishly strong hands. But if sit in your kitchen with you and have you fix me lunch and do the dishes, you will leave me alone for a few moments of sanity. Then you look at me with those giant blue eyes and ask me in the sweetest voice if we can go sledding tonight. I almost just want to bundle you up right then and take you, but then I realize its 8:30 at night and 12 degrees outside. Child and Family services would have a problem with that. We went sledding anyway.
You retain amazing amounts of information. You remember the words to a book that we read one time, three weeks ago. You can remember that Aunt Wendy brainwashed you into saying she is your favorite aunt. Months later you can tell her all about it when you see her again. Its incredible. Your vocabulary has increased yet again. There isn't anything you can't tell us, and you tell us everything.
Yesterday morning, 6am rolled around and you thought it would be a good idea to be awake. I did not. I was having no problem ignoring you until you started kicking the door, screaming at me. Why in those moments don't you scream for your father? I went and opened the door and brought you into our bed hoping you would bother your father. After you climbed on my face and started to tell me all about your day with your stinky morning breath I lost it. Well I think its safe to say I never had that morning, it was 6am. As I told you to go play in your room, you climbed over me, opened the door and yelled "Mom, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY and I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOSE IT".
I can not make this stuff up Stella.
You redeemed yourself yesterday. You melted my heart so much that it made all of those tantrums and smashed up goldfish disappear. Your new big girl bed arrived and you love it. You love that Baby Ruby gets to have her bed, and you get to have a new one. I'm sure that will be the story of your sisters life, you getting the new stuff. But as we put your snowmen jammies on and picked out a story, you said the prayer. Usually you mumble somthing inaubile and yell AMEN. Not this night. I folded my arms and started to say the words of the prayer and you repeated them just like a sunbeam in primary. You said the whole prayer crystal clear, including the yelling of AMEN. My heart was in a puddle on your new big girl bed. When you were a newborn and sleeping was something you didn't think was very fun, I would go days and days with less than 3 hours of sleep at night and working during the day. Just when I thought I couldn't do it one more single moment of the day, you would sleep. You would sleep for 8 hours, and everything was OK again. You can be a complete disaster 99% of time for days and days then you go ahead and redeem yourself with a prayer. Motherhood is hard, regardless of how terrific your children are, its hard. But its those moments curled up in on the couch watching Elmo's world when you look at me and say "I love you pieces mommy" that get you through the days of smashed up goldfish. Thank you for those moments, they are my most visited memories.
I love you pieces too, June Bug.

Love Love

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