Month Thirty Nine

Stella June,
What a month we have had. In the back of my mind I've thought about what to write for this past month. I have spent more nights lying in bed wondering what to do, how to help you. I'm sure I will spend countless nights losing sleep over how to help you. I now understand why my mother did the same thing, in fact she propably still does. Regardless of the loss of sleep we are no where closer to settling in, and now I'm getting sad, or rather exhausted. Whatever the reasons, you are sad. You cry over everything, that fake, whiny cry that really just drives me crazy. Clearly you aren't really sad over your blanket not covering your toes, or that you need to go potty. Although sometimes I cry when I have to pee, but thats mostly because there is a real possibilty that I will pee my pants and thats just embarrassing as a 24 year old. In your little mind crying over spilled milk is justifable. I just wish we knew what was making you feel sad. You have been spending a lot of nights climbing in bed with me just to snuggle, just to make sure I am still there. Which leads to sprawling your body all over mine, in case I tried to run away or something; which goes back to losing sleep over you.
If you aren't sad, you are... well you are a brat. You talk snotty to me, you demand things, and when things don't go as you want them to you yell "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE". Which leads to me rolling my eyes and mumbling under my breath, "super". It is painful telling you no. The tantrums are embarrassing and we leave a lot of places because of them. I have to think twice before I take you anywhere.

When you aren't sad or angry, you are the sweetest girl. You melt my heart with those moments that make me remember that won't always be a confused 3 year old. You are diligent about saying your prayers, and saying them by yourself. You ask that Heavenly Father help me and Ruby be good girls, and that Swiper doesn't come and swipe your blanket when you are sleeping. You make sure that Grandpa Trace is being nice and that Grandma Deb feels better. It is your version of prayer #11. You like to sing songs in the car and you know all the words to "I am a child of God" and the "Popcorn" song. And of course you make up your own songs to the tune of all the other ones you know. I wonder where on earth you could get that from?
You and your sister are the best of friends these days. The older Ruby gets the more interested you are in her. You run into her room the moment you hear her wake up, you climb into her crib and give her hugs and kisses. You love to sit on the couch and hold her as you both watch TV and when she is running away in church you go after her and bring her back by holding her hand. You chase each other around the house and you share your toys with her. As I watch the two of you together I am so grateful you have each other; that you both will always be there to lean on one another.
Last week we were leaving "pretty school"  and I was carrying your back pack, Lucy doll and blanket along with Ruby. You usually go to the car and open the door and get yourself buckled in while I deal with Ruby. But since the sidewalk has reappeared and you have cabin fever, you run down the street instead. Like 5 houses down the street. Which leads me having to yell for you to come back when I'm done with Ruby. Well you wouldn't come back last week, and I had to ask you several times to get in your car seat. As you were running back you naturally fell on your hands and knees. No blood was shed, but you were hurting. As I carried you to the car and buckled you in, examining all the owie spots to reveal that you were going to live without any band aids even. You were having a hard time getting it together and were still crying alligator tears. You looked at me and said inbetween sniffles and tears, "You look really pretty today Mom" Then started wailing on about how your knee was hurting so bad that you might need to go to the doctor to have him cut it off. I'm not sure why it struck me so much, but it was a great reminder that you are so caring towards other people. Under all the stress of your outbursts and struggles, there in lies the sweet June bug.
I'm trying to have more patience with you and constantly reminding myself that you are only thirty nine months old. We will get past this stage and you will read these letters when you get a little blue eyed blond of your own and I will say, "Justice. There is always Justice".
I love you so much Stella, thank you for teaching me lessons I never thought I would learn.

Love Love
Mom